A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Salad is the decaf of food.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.