guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.