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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.