364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.