YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The best plant holders?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.