cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Pigeon open mic night.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.