My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…