Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.