Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Is your wife single?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands