The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
12. I think about this all the damn time
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.