No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
that lip filler tho
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?