What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”