I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?