Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.