Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My birth announcement for our third baby
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
opening twitter today
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal