*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
You Might Also Like
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Just this preview of the story is enough
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
White parent Vs Arab parents
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.