If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.