“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
😩😩😩
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.