The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Realize this:
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
🔦🌙👣
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.