i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.