Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like