That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.