I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma