I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
🙄😏😂🤣
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white