If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
This makes total sense…
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.