[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.