If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Pat is about to own someone
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
this is the best day of my life
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened