My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.