Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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I have obtained a hat
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Hamburger Hinderer.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.