It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
next question.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Smile they said.