If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
B
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Good morning
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!