Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.