I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN