So we got a goldfish…
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
😩😩😩
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.