self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
God has abandoned us.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.