#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
the last thing a carrot sees
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Strange
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
*gets down on one knee*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.