me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sending in my taxes
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I unironically love this joke.