You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist