Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.