Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?