Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
You Might Also Like
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
me when the borders lift
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.