The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Bring back the McRib
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.