Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos