ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.