My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You Might Also Like
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying