ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Just me?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice