Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My blood type is b hungry.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!