*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
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I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
😂💯
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
2022: I can fix it
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
they split up moments later
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Trying
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on