As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
lost dog
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
welp
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Choose your fighter
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can