OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
🤣🤣
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Knock Knock
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”